Once upon a time I wasn’t a mother. I was a single lady (put your hands up), without a care in the world. I never had to wipe a bum or help with homework or tuck anyone into bed and get them water…and then tuck them in again. I didn’t have a favourite dinosaur or a favourite superhero or even a favourite colour (Triceratops, Iron Man and purple if you’re curious).
During this time pre-child, I was blissfully unaware of the things that would happen to me and around me once I did have a child in my life.
Here are just a few things I never thought I would say…to anyone. Keep in mind I said each and every one of these this past weekend. Forty-eight hours, folks. I said them in two days.
“Underwear is mandatory.”
“Please take your fingers out of my coffee.”
“No, sweetie, I never knew that Spiderman had a better superhero temperament than Batman.”
“We don’t spit on the Toronto Maple Leafs.”
“No, I don’t think you should try to snort water out of your nose…unless you really want to of course.”
“You are wearing two pairs of underwear. I asked you to change your underwear, not put a clean pair on top of a dirty pair.”
“You probably don’t want to pee and brush your teeth at the same time.”
“Fingers out of your nose while you’re talking, please.”
“Is that milk on your face? From yesterday?”
“Why is there a tape measure/cup/box of crayons/pair of socks/baseball bat/tupperware under your pillow?”
“If you’re going to dance and sing, please put some clothes on.”
“Yes, underwear is actually important. You want to keep your bits covered.”
“Boogers don’t belong on the wall.”
“Yes, evolution did happen.”
“Where on earth did you learn the term “Kingpin”?
“Please take the dinosaur out of your mouth.”
And my personal favourite (recently):
“Yes, you can have ice cream for breakfast…”
I think I need to talk to some adults today. I only hope I don’t have to tell any of my coworkers that they are wearing two pairs of underwear