Guest Post: Kids, Chewing and Eating

Is it a dog, or is it my child chewing?Photo by Oakley Originals via Flickr (CC)

I once read that the purpose of parenting is to train one’s spawn to have slightly better manners than a dog.
I think I’m failing.
No wonder why I don’t own a dog. Some days, it’s amazing I’m allowed to parent.

There are many dog-like behaviours that annoy me about my five-year-old twins. Leading the list is chewing.

For my daughter, the problem is food: We’ve just doled out our favourite meal: mystery-meat-on-a-stick fresh from the barbecue. It makes my husband feel like he can barbecue, even if the animal came tumbling out of a box in frozen cubes. Still, my daughter loves it so much that she insists on showing every stage of the digestive process to all within spitting distance. It’s like watching a dog eat a treat out of your palm: it involves a lot of saliva, a lot of regurgitation, a lot of teeth. If you’re lucky, you won’t get injured, but under no circumstances will you stay dry.

My son’s chewing problem involves his fingers and toes. Why cut nails when you can chew them? He looks like a little yogi when he raises his foot to his mouth and chows down with the manners I have when I find myself alone with a bag of salt and vinegar chips. Regardless, I wish he’d stop. I’m rather tired of cleaning up bloodbaths from cuticle genocide.

So there we have it: a couple of things that annoy me. My list is getting longer, but I know so is the list of things that I do that annoy my children. And rumour has it that their list is double-sided.

Now you’ll have to excuse me. I’m off to teach my children two new skills: how to eat without licking their plates and how to fetch me a cocktail.

—Ironic Mom (aka Leanne Shirtliffe)

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